I feel lost.
I do not know in what direction I should head.
You see, there’s this life I envision. This one I think of so often. Where my days are filled with adventure. Where I travel to mystical and extraordinary places. Where my work helps people- genuinely. A life where I support myself completely on my own. I would care nothing of being rich, just that there is enough to get by, that is all I aspire for. This life where I fear nothing, not even death. Where I can work to improve my spirituality and head towards my ultimate nature.
Ah, it sounds so great on paper. I’m positive it would be amazing in reality.
But the thing is, I just don’t know how to get to that life. It isn’t that my life now is so bad. It isn’t bad at all. But it’s not… what I described above. And to live any sort of life that differs from what I described above feels to me to be the most heinous of crimes.
To my desires they say, “Oh, but you are only twenty- you have much time to obtain this life you fantasize about.”
You’d think such a statement would give me hope, but it only hardens my despair. I do not want this life when I am 30, 40, 50… I want it now. At the very least I want to be heading towards it now. I can be patient yes- patient in practice anyway.
But right now I don’t feel like I’m practicing anything. And I know that being patient alone won’t get me any closer.
Ah. Writing it out doesn’t make me feel as if I’m any closer. But it does remind just how much I truly desire that life.
If only I had a road map. If only I had a guru.
Oh how I hate “if only”.
If I do make it there, to that life I want more than anything, I thought I’d make a map for others to reach it too.
But then I realized that the destination is designed for only one, me, and a map to the life I envision would do you no good.
I suppose all I could do is inspire in that position. And if that is the best I’ll be able to do to help others, then I will do it.
But first I guess I better get there myself.
Just because I am lost does not mean I’m giving up.
In fact, I feel rejuvenated just putting this into words.
Onward down the path I go always. Whether it is the right one or not I can only find out.