That’s what I’m trying to give, understanding to a feeling that is so often said in three words. But I’m a Poet, something I’ve come to admit to myself overtime without the slightest bit of remorse. And three words simply cannot do justice to what I feel inside.
Three words that I cannot help but feel I wasted on the others I offered them to before you.
You must’ve known, or learned at some point over our time shared, that I was different. That I felt things differently. That I become aware of my emotions sooner than others you have known, or will come to know. So yes, I had discovered that feeling- long before you dared say it to me first.
A moment I’ll never forget. For a split second it was sheer relief that washed over me. Then I felt it, the rush of chills sweeping through my body, in a path that could be traced from the base of my spine all the way up to the hairs that stood up on the back of my neck. And I was silent for a moment, not out of hesitation, but because in that instant I was overwhelmed by your acceptance. I returned the words, along with my acceptance for you- that you were real, that I was real, and that we shared this feeling for one another.
But those words could not come close to being enough. And as time went on and they were said again and again, I longed for a better way to describe and to show you just how much you were to me. Because you were not just three little words.
We were in a world of our own. A world filled with laughter and joy and passion. A world that ignored all that was outside of it, because nothing could really be so bad, so long as we had each other.
So I did my best to keep that place only known to us in an endless state of happiness. Of course, it was out of my power to keep us like that forever, that’s simply not how it works. And I made mistakes, and so did you, but that feeling never left.
And although with this next memory comes hurt, it would not be fair to leave it out, because I have grown since I first reacted to it.
There was that day when you said you didn’t know if you wanted forever anymore. I was so mad and upset- I thought, “What have I done? What could I do to fix this?” But there are no solutions to how someone feels.
From then on the distance between us only became greater. Sure, there were wonderful moments we shared during the hard times. But there were always more tears than smiles. I’m sorry for that, even though neither of us could help it. Making you cry was the worst feeling I’ve ever felt, and your smile was something I lived for.
And now I sit here thinking about us, and what used to be. I come to realize that I was cruel by trying to force forever on you. I should have been more thankful for what we had in the present, rather than worry so much about what may come with the future.
When I said I felt things sooner, that I knew I wanted to tell you the three words before you said them to me- there is something else that comes with that. Something else that comes with me being different. And that’s that they remain, they stay with me longer, because I was so certain in them it would seem foolish to try to push them away.
Just one more piece of the story that I must tell that revolves around hurt. I do not like to talk about hurtful things, though it may seem like it, but that is just the Poet in me that I’ll never be ashamed of.
The day when I learned the thing that I thought would truly break my heart. I think it may have hurt a little more than when you left, though I am not sure, for more time has passed since then.
It was something that had been in the back of my mind, something that somehow I just knew. And I thought it would be the end, I thought I wouldn’t care anymore. I thought that just by hearing you confirm it I would never feel those three words for you again.
But it wasn’t hurt that I felt. It was acceptance. A kind of acceptance a lot like when we first shared our three words. There was the initial anger and disbelief, but these faded quickly from me. Those were feelings from my mind. The true feelings spoke louder than my mind can think, straight from my soul and everything that makes me, me. And the words that come with that feeling filled me up completely, until I could not hear the anger and sadness my mind was trying to force upon me any longer.
Three words that are not so little after all.